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Kind of Blah

May 8, 2009

I don’t want to write a post about not wanting to write about anything, and I hope this isn’t what this becomes. I just feel kind of … blah lately. Part of it is because Frank is leaving in a month (he’ll be gone all of June and July), and I am going to miss him. Last year I had some fun distractions planned while he was gone, and I am trying to do that again this year – but not really having a lot of success. Mainly because I don’t know what I want to do with myself, and I am worried about money.

The economy ain’t doin’ so hot right now, but I feel pretty secure about my job. I just don’t want to get too cocky, and I am trying to be cautious about money. Frank has some money coming in from a grant, but I am scared to rely on it too much. So, while financially, we are doing okay – I can’t help but shake the idea that this is all very temporary. And now with grad school coming up? It just feels precarious, even if it isn’t.

And I want to move. We may try to in September, when our lease is up. I have a wish list of things I want in a new apartment (parking, some extra room) but mainly – I want a dog and our current apartment doesn’t allow any. I just feel like there are very few things standing in my way, and I have always wanted a dog and now is as good a time as any. So, we are considering the idea. With the way NY housing markets work, it’s almost silly to look in advance – but I don’t think we will have a very hard time. It’s just – the expense of a move? Plus, the unknown – what about the devil we know? Also, we may move back to Bayside – which would mean increased transportation costs.  It’s silly to worry about now, but I want to try to save as much as possible this summer.

The other thing that’s bugging me is that despite promising my doctor and myself that I would lose weight – I haven’t. In fact, I am heavier now than in recent memory. I tried therapy for a bit, but it got expensive and I don’t feel like I was getting a lot out of it (but I have two books to read that she recommended strongly). I am considering stopping my expensive gym membership for financial reasons, but that kind of feels like giving up. And I could re-join Weight Watchers – but the truth is? I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to count, and point and obsess. But I also don’t want to feel this way about myself – sluggish and unhappy. And I know the answer is to exercise more and make better food choices. It shouldn’t be that hard. But for me? It is.

I don’t want this to be a blog about my struggles with weight, or make this a really public thing – but I am at the point where I almost feel as if I should. Maybe by being publicly accountable I will have better success. What I don’t want is tons of ideas or advice about what I could or should do – people who find out you are willing to admit you are struggling are the first to give you tons and tons of ideas. It’s like you opened the floodgates, and now they can finally talk to you about your weight (as if you didn’t realize you were fat in the first place.) They tell you about counting calories, and just going to the gym, whether you want to or not – or how much water to drink; as if as a fat woman I haven’t heard all this a million times before. That’s the part that drives me nuts. And yet – I really, really don’t want to go back to the doctor and feel like I failed. Again.

Please Note: All “blah” crappiness could be because of my cold/possible allergies and will go away once I start feeling a little better. Not the underlying problems, but my whiny-ness about them.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. May 8, 2009 11:52 am

    This post is honest and vulnerable. It feels like that post that eats away at us until finally we just write it. So, thanks for sharing. I know this can’t have been an easy one to post.

    I will say one thing and I don’t want it to seem “advice-y” but it might – there’s nothing tangible standing in your way with any of these things. I’m reading your blog and thinking that you are putting your own roadblocks in front of you.

    What would your life look like if you weren’t phased by the recession (because you’re not – your job is stable)? What would it look like if you allowed yourself to take a risk and move? What would it look like if you told your doctor that you are unhappy and sluggish not because of your weight, but because of the weight of your stress and doc needs to back off? What would it look like if you realized your battle with exercise & food isn’t because you’re a failure but because you ARE A HUMAN? Or, wait, how about it not being a battle?

    These worries are all in your head. And, you know what, you’re lucky. You can move. You can get a pup. You can feel healthier. You can feel secure in your job. All it takes are mind shifts. And, personally, I think that’s comforting because really, the only thing standing in your way is you (not a million outside factors you can’t control).

    • May 8, 2009 12:25 pm

      Thanks Jamie. That’s a lot to think about, but its all really great stuff.

      I am reading a lot of stuff about emotional eating and weight and blahblah – all echoing a lot of what you are saying. The problem is, there are medical issues for me to lose weight – or at least make healthier choices, and the struggle is removing my own roadblocks – making choices that only benefit the short term.

      Also, my love of a puppy may “outweigh” any of the other issues!

  2. Rob permalink
    May 8, 2009 12:01 pm

    Come back to Bayside!!!

  3. May 8, 2009 1:27 pm

    You’ve been to my blog and you know my issues with my weight, WW, and the whole advice thing. so I’ll just say I feel your ish. on a side note the hub tried to say Oy Vey the other night…and in all seriousiness, he said, OH vey. I thought of you.

  4. Frank permalink
    May 8, 2009 2:05 pm

    Would it make you feel better if I promise not to fake laugh at you today?

  5. May 11, 2009 10:16 am

    I can totally feel your pain on the weight thing (as you can probably tell from reading my blog). Obsessing on points and crap is no fun (been there, done that…3 times, actually).

    I currently feel sluggish and crappy, but I too am leaning towards the “allergies” explanation at the moment. I spent most of the weekend dizzy and lightheaded. I tried to rehydrate, but drinking water did not do anything to help…it actually just made me waterlogged and bloated, as if I’m not absorbing it. Grr. 😦

  6. Donna permalink
    May 14, 2009 8:37 am

    I just went to my endocrine doctor this week (because I am one of the people that has a for real glandular problem) and told her I felt I would get fatter and fatter until someone would have to take out a wall to remove my bloated 500-pound corpse from the building. She suggested a nutritionist, but it’s $150 a visit with my insurance and I’ve tried that before and they recommended to increase my calories. She also mentioned WW, but I was on that for six months and lost 0.2 pounds and was told I don’t eat enough. Yet apparantly I am not fat enough to get a stomach staple. So all I can ever do is wait a few more months to see if my meds need adjusting.

    Sorry to rant back at your rant, but apparently I needed that.

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