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Mother’s Day Wrap Up

May 11, 2009

I wish I knew who exactly reads this blog, because I fear I am balancing the wrath of my family versus the need to share. So, I present to you sanitized (believe it or not) highlights of my family’s Mother’s Day/Aunt Dot’s 85th Birthday celebration

  • Grandma screaming bloody murder while doing a nasal rinse in the kitchen sink
  • A geriatric battle of wills regarding how much better one pair of earrings match the shirt versus the other pair of earrings (“It’s blue! Blue is blue!” “But aqua doesn’t match that well with navy” “It’s BLUE! It’s not horrible. You don’t know what you are talking about and are blind.” “I am deaf, not blind. And I didn’t say it was horrible, I said the new pair looks much better.”) (Dot was right – the new earrings totally matched better.)
  • Grandma fighting with a preteen about a possible two-state solution for the Middle East crisis
  • A preteen lecturing his birthday-girl grandma about the environmental impacts of sleeping with the TV on, and her poor grammar / conjugation skills
  • When I ventured that I read a lot, I got an admonishment from the birthday girl wondering what my boyfriend is doing while I have this free time to read (instead of presumably cooking, baking or performing sock puppet shows?) Then again, the birthday girl had a facelift somewhere around age 75, has never been seen without makeup and has outlived at least 3 husbands and countless “beaus.” She may know what she is talking about.
  • A spirited discussion of my non-present college-aged cousin’s new boyfriend and how “there are worse things than dating a non-Jew. Like, he could be a beggar, or a bum or worse!” When I ventured that he could be all those things and Jewish, they all agreed (probably because they remembered that I live in sin with a non-Jew – they love Frank, but I think they forget that they are all insane.)
  • A moment of shared pain and recognition that Bernie Madoff is Jewish. (Jews hate when other Jews do bad things. It gives the rest of us a bad name apparently. They are quick to note that David Berkowitz was adopted, and therefore – Not a Real Jew.)
  • Appropriate Dinner Conversation Topics by Grandma: “The Time I Opened the Door Naked” and “Why Obama is in League with the Arabs – but is better than Palin, especially Bristol’s Baby Daddy (Note: Not a Jew)”
  • Helping Aunt Dot out of the backseat but being constantly yelled at for not acknowledging the stunning announcement that Grandma was standing ALL BY HERSELF (despite the fact that she had been doing that the entire evening, and purposely holding her cane upside down to prove to everyone that she doesn’t need it.)

Special props to Mom for not committing matricide, being funny, wonderful and just the absolute Best Mom Ever despite not having put me up for some sort of family-share adoption. Honorable mention to my sister for working 3 weeks straight and not collapsing and/or drooling at the dinner table. Did you have a lovely day with your family?

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13 Comments
  1. May 11, 2009 11:42 am

    Haha, it sounds just like my family with the Jew/not-a-Jew classifications. They also enjoy pointing out undesirables who should not technically be considered Jewish.

  2. May 11, 2009 11:52 am

    Ha! That is fantastic! I don’t believe I’ve ever met Grandma so I’m envisioning a older you with lots of make-up on.

    (Side note: Nasal rinse? Is this the netty pot that you spoke of last Saturday?)

    • May 11, 2009 12:15 pm

      You are describing my other grandma – who is also crazy, but in her own special way.

      Yes – this was a Neti pot. I still recommend this, but do not recommend you do this in public or in front of any other humans. Definitely not in the kitchen. Also, if you end up screaming? You are doing it wrong.

      • May 11, 2009 12:28 pm

        Aren’t all Grandmothers? Mine on my Dad’s side told my father before leaving for his second tour of Korea – “Make sure you don’t bring one of them Chinawomen home with ya”!

        Yea, I think I am going to take a pass on the whole neti pot thing. It sounds pretty heinous. Besides, shoving things in ones nose is something that we are told at an early to to avoid.

        • May 11, 2009 9:39 pm

          My 79 year old grandmother’s a hardcore liberal who loves Obama and wants all drugs legalized. I guess that qualifies as crazy too, but in an awesome way.

          Stories like this are why I avoid political discussion with most of my family, particularly the red-staters.

  3. May 11, 2009 3:41 pm

    That whole thing sounds classic. I love the shame over Bernie Madoff part.

  4. May 11, 2009 7:58 pm

    Oh, this is my family. They also explain people’s wrongdoings by noting they are only half-Jewish.

  5. May 13, 2009 1:05 pm

    My mother has also made the David Berkowitz “but he was adopted” excuse before! More than once, if I recall correctly haha.

    • May 13, 2009 1:13 pm

      I just did a little serial killer research – apparently Berkowitz’ adopted AND bio parents were all Jewish. Take that, bubbeh!

  6. mom permalink
    May 28, 2009 8:36 am

    OK so once in a while I check in and I guess Iwas happy to hear
    none of my foibles exploited. However, g-ma is in a class by herself
    and should make money off the blog…endless entertainment…this may be why you ask me how my day went when you know I have been around her
    well next weekend at Anitas with grandma 10 hours in car alone–I should be positively hysterical after that

    • May 28, 2009 8:49 am

      Mom, if I make money off the blog, I will gladly buy grandma a little something. Maybe a copper Coach bag?

  7. mom permalink
    May 29, 2009 10:40 am

    a sitcom could be made out of this – rue mc clanahan could have the lead – we could promote our favorite haunts………

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