Mother’s Day Wrap Up
I wish I knew who exactly reads this blog, because I fear I am balancing the wrath of my family versus the need to share. So, I present to you sanitized (believe it or not) highlights of my family’s Mother’s Day/Aunt Dot’s 85th Birthday celebration
- Grandma screaming bloody murder while doing a nasal rinse in the kitchen sink
- A geriatric battle of wills regarding how much better one pair of earrings match the shirt versus the other pair of earrings (“It’s blue! Blue is blue!” “But aqua doesn’t match that well with navy” “It’s BLUE! It’s not horrible. You don’t know what you are talking about and are blind.” “I am deaf, not blind. And I didn’t say it was horrible, I said the new pair looks much better.”) (Dot was right – the new earrings totally matched better.)
- Grandma fighting with a preteen about a possible two-state solution for the Middle East crisis
- A preteen lecturing his birthday-girl grandma about the environmental impacts of sleeping with the TV on, and her poor grammar / conjugation skills
- When I ventured that I read a lot, I got an admonishment from the birthday girl wondering what my boyfriend is doing while I have this free time to read (instead of presumably cooking, baking or performing sock puppet shows?) Then again, the birthday girl had a facelift somewhere around age 75, has never been seen without makeup and has outlived at least 3 husbands and countless “beaus.” She may know what she is talking about.
- A spirited discussion of my non-present college-aged cousin’s new boyfriend and how “there are worse things than dating a non-Jew. Like, he could be a beggar, or a bum or worse!” When I ventured that he could be all those things and Jewish, they all agreed (probably because they remembered that I live in sin with a non-Jew – they love Frank, but I think they forget that they are all insane.)
- A moment of shared pain and recognition that Bernie Madoff is Jewish. (Jews hate when other Jews do bad things. It gives the rest of us a bad name apparently. They are quick to note that David Berkowitz was adopted, and therefore – Not a Real Jew.)
- Appropriate Dinner Conversation Topics by Grandma: “The Time I Opened the Door Naked” and “Why Obama is in League with the Arabs – but is better than Palin, especially Bristol’s Baby Daddy (Note: Not a Jew)”
- Helping Aunt Dot out of the backseat but being constantly yelled at for not acknowledging the stunning announcement that Grandma was standing ALL BY HERSELF (despite the fact that she had been doing that the entire evening, and purposely holding her cane upside down to prove to everyone that she doesn’t need it.)
Special props to Mom for not committing matricide, being funny, wonderful and just the absolute Best Mom Ever despite not having put me up for some sort of family-share adoption. Honorable mention to my sister for working 3 weeks straight and not collapsing and/or drooling at the dinner table. Did you have a lovely day with your family?